Interior Design Cafe, Strand

A rich cuppuccino Origin-esque brew should be kept inside your tummy. A solid woody headboard on a comfy mattress of cafe au lait, served with a sugarcube facading as shortbread.
Food is well decorated, with a few stylish additions to hide the toast and knife and forks from prying eyes.

The interior is scraped down blocky wood with a few bar-stools to take care of the proposed mac-wielding aspiring writers, sadly absent. The chairs are professionally designed to poke metal bars into your anterior, while the polyester table covers remain unironed to attract aspiring bachelors.

Atmosphere: The staff don't understand the concept of Inside Voice, or customer experience, it's wall-to-wall yakyakyakyak at obtuse angles. Skater music grinds the ear rails. Not a place for a quiet cuppa and reflection, and thus the interior is empty, even at lunch time. A minimalist design.

The Number 1 reason coffee shops fail: Atmosphere. It's more important than the coffee. People can get coffee and food at home, they go out for a quiet place to chat, read, or work on their novel.

Coffee: 5
Atmosphere: 1
Interior: 4

Beach Road, Strand.

Shawarma Express, Table View

Neighhhh my brew. I am 100% certain they sliced up the saddle in this shawarma because it's definitely not beef. I will put money on it - 10 to 1 odds at Gosforth. Marketing hot tip: rename it Pony Express to stay on-brand. I might be wrong here, it might be camel, I'd have to order the double hump burger to be certain. Whatever mystery meat it is, it's incredibly dry, tastes weird, and is much too red for its age. You do get lots of geriatric brinjal and flaccid onion to make it interesting.

My shawarma was so old I had to shoot it.

When you walk in you are told to keep away from the counter (okay this is two years into the pandemic, but still, it's weird) and someone will take your standing order while you calculate the odds.

Trendies like to sit outside at the trough, but only because they enjoy saying "Shawarma bru" while their befuddled trophy wives model their Met Gala outfits. What are the odds?

Coffee is most likely Ivermectin.

Cia Pizza Blouberg

Hello. Ciao Pizza make an excellent coffee and an expensive pizza. Rich froth greets you and waves happily as it departs down the gullet. Cappucinos are served in a coffee cup. More an espressocino.

As for breakfast, it's not something you'd want to greet on a Sunday morning and invite for dinner. Pale, flavorless mush is called the egg special. A fried cherry tomato adds probably the minimum legal nutritional requirement to be classified as a meal. The other dishes will have you greeting the spouse with embarrassment. "You paid HOW MUCH FOR AN EGG?"

If you enjoy hearing about all the problems with white people, this is the place for you, as the teenage staff are very knowledgeable on the subject. Slow service, sometimes wrong order.

A nice view of the horsemeat joint across the road with a slice of mountain. Music is sometimes Italian, but mostly central African when the proprietor is not around.

A few anorexic "profit-eroles" on display filled with a powdered goo (Spar hot chocolate?) inside won't make much profit. None of the display items are for sale as they have been mummified, though it's hard to tell which year the croissants were made. A sticky coating of sugar means this will be a knife-and-fork finger food. If storage is a problem, how hard is it to make gelato?

Metal canteen chairs will burn your crust, three side seats share a long dirty cushion.

Yet another pizza joint, but a good place to visit if you don't like to be surrounded by people and want to pay more for a soggy pizza.

Ciao.

Rockstar Diner Table View *

"We don't do coffee."

This is a first in 15 years of diner crawling. Definitely a Hall of Fame entry.

They do have bonsai coke, must be an artisanal thing. Prince sized drinks win no awards.

Decor: Very nice Queen sized booths! and some communal plastic braai furniture. More Kurt Darren than Deep Purple. There is a bar which offers Fire on The Water.

Menu: Flavorless Pulled pork variations, uncrispy tacos, burgers, and pizza. Aspiring Tex Mex.

Atmosphere: This falls like a Led Zeppelin. Awful Techno dance party. Anything playing but rock. Waiters yelling at people on the phone or to each other. Despite being the only customer (can't imagine why) I was lowest on the list of priorities.

I can't get no satisfaction.

Update: Rockstar Diner died at 27 weeks. Probably suicide. This could have been a hit had they just lived up to their name.

Bon Bon, Franschhoek

A full-roast, rich, round, and full bodied. Fresh farm milk seals the deal.

Bon Bon is A sweet treat wrapped in the papery folds of the Franschhoek Hills. 

Super service, impeccable scenery, with lovely walks to ease off the pounds.

Sent from my Samsung device

La Rocca Century City *

Cappuccino with foam. (Origin)

A good full flavoured roast with no rocks to roll on, a little dry after the waves of flavour.

The menu brags of an expansive cake selection but I think they meant expensive cake selection. Alas there are only 2 options, one of which is not cake. Judging by the toughness the meringue was baked in the cretacious period.

Terrible prawns that possibly died of old age in the snow, 'shelled' apparently means with an extra shell of tough eyeballs and feelers and a few tiny scraps of grainy meat, not quite rock lobsters but more like pebble prawns who suffered shell shock.

The good lookin dishes are all out of stock, leaving the dining whining.

A good cuppu pickmeupp but precious little gold in these Rockies..

Ocean Breeze Hotel Strand -

Packet of Ricoffy

A hotel with an expensive paid breakfast loses wind in these sails.

Rooms are small cabins and for R100 extra you get a sea view. Badly retrofitted modern attachments in the cramped bathroom poke at you. Overpriced out of season, hence the emptiness. Nobody likes a rip off their sails. Awkward parking with no easy entrance and exit.

Friendly staff. Built-in Ocean Basket for supper on the seedy side of Strand. 

Europa

Cappuccino 

A light skinned brew with a delicate twist, hidden riches under an eiderdown of crema.

An airy atmosphere attended by alert ambulators. Strange fruit pizza and pasta with cultured appeel.

Feel free to land there.

SwannBooks 

Honest Chocolate Wale Street Cape Town

Americano

Bit of a dirty brew that hides few secrets in the tiny cup. No hint of chocolate or sweetness to lie on the tongue. Two sips and the secret of what is at the bottom of the thimble is revealed.

People being interrupted and shuffled around tables to make way for other guests. Water dripping down the walls when it rains.

Food was an awful, if I'm honest, combination of inexpertly made stale nachos (more like vegan coasters) curry powder and salt with a dab of chocolate mousse. We both gave up after two bites.

I think I prefer scoundrels.

Kamili Long Street Ct

Cappuccino with crema

A not too hot and slightly sweet cup of quite good grounds. Not much going on underground though, the riches in this mine quickly exhausted near the surface with no lingering tail.

A lonely chicken mayo in the fridge the only food on offer. A few blends to pickinchoose.

Interior has space for 6 people, so expect a takeaway experience. Service is strictly self collect, even if you're the only one around and there are two baristas on tap. Woody interior, barrels and bags, but I can't figure how they will weather the storm without more people in chairs.

An interesting decor choice is to have a coffee magazine with instructions on how to open a competing coffee shop.

Sent from Samsung Mobile

Subway Sea Point

Cappuccino with foam

A medium dark roast journeys under the tongue. Slightly burnt as the brew is almost on fire, slow down driver!

A bit of a short trip, as the flavour arrives too late to make it to work.

Lots of the usual Subway sandwiches at a premium, so fill up with goodies or get taken for a ride.

Music is overpowering, it takes 5 minutes of shouting at each other to get our order through.

Sent from Samsung Mobile

The Creamery Salt River

Americano with milk

This is a rich, malty brew, quite distinct in flavour. The cream of the crop.

Cups and handles are a tad small.

The ice cream is incredible, and portions are generous.

Perfect service, good music. What else do you need?

Grand - Sea Point *****

Cappuccino (Zicaffe)

A rich medium dark roast with delicious caramel crema, a big treat if you like big treats.

The bitters lavish the tongue in a friendly wrestle, ending in warm hugs and kisses all round.

Lots of tarts, cakes, and cupcakes to choose from. Even a few macaroons to French kiss.

A few lovely oaky tables, friendly if slightly forgetful service.

Free WIFI for the cybernauts, so bring your Apples and Pez. A healthy selection of magazines and newspapers for the illiterati.

Franky's Sea Point - *

Filter coffee on a mismatched saucer

A flat, dirty brew hits the tongue square on and disappears without a trace. A little sugar sweetens the deal. The second time around the coffee is completely different.

Tons of milkshakes and a very reasonable breakfast. Franky's is a gorgeous American diner with lots of booths and rock music, but, bad service and very awkward basket burgers make it a no fly zone. The burgers are... ok. Only 2 to choose from, plain or cheese.

There are plugs at every table! A genius move. But the tables are all reserved on a Saturday and you can't get in.
It's empty. But it's full.
Sometimes you can get a booth, but it's a kids venue, so be prepared for lots of screaming and sugar-hyped addicts running around the restaurant screaming. 

Surfside Restaurant, Strand, WC ***

Coffee with frothed milk (Caturra)

Overheating has crashed the flavour wave onto an otherwise gentle bean beach. A little bitter but with practice you can stand up on it.

When they say surfside they mean it! The restaurant literally hangs over the the ocean with a quaint view of a broken pier and broken fishermen hoping for the catch of the day.

Holiday decor and perfect atmosphere, open early.
Forgetful service, so be prepared to take the bill yourself.

Barans Greenmarket Square ****

Kurdish coffee with milk

Sweet, delicious, full of unusual twists and turns that dance on the tongue. A little pot of steamy heaven gives you two or three chances to obtain delight .

Outdoor seats in the cobbled square, exotic foods and spices, with a little theatre on the side. Good place for an adventure or to cut a rug.

Yum, Upper East Side, Cape Town :(

Coffee with milk (Lavazza)

A medium roast with flat notes leaves the taster ambivalent. No jumping for joy at this watery brew, made in a dirty sake cup before being decanted into the cardboard cup.

Chilly canteen benches, food is restaurant pricing with schoolboy seating. Food is delicious, but can not save the desavoured bean.

Bella Italia :(

Cappuccino with a souffle of foam (Deluxe)

A tasty topping disguises a bitter, almost sour heavy roast. Too many beans for this cino leave a curling tonge aftertaste. Every sip gets worse, until enough is enough. 

A few tasty breakfast options will leave your tongue in your cheek.

Classic Italian diner decor with metro music on the wireless. Lots of Italian and Italian-inspired dishes, friendly service, bad coffee.

Bakoven Riebeek Street Cape Town ***

Cappuccino with foam

A souffle of foam floats on a regular cup of joe. Medium dark roast, a little dirty on the tongue with a flat aftertaste. Burnt beans a little overbaked, but grows on your buds.

Freshly baked decor is a quiet cove for the flaming working class.

Early bird breakfast is cheep cheep with plenty toast and bacon.

Lots and lots of delicious items on display with the lovely aroma of the bakery wafting through the eaves puts you in a happy mood.

Jenny Bean, Strand Street, Cape Town :(

Cappuccino with foam (Caturra)

The huge and pointless foam smothers a bitter bean brew. Slight dirt in the aftertaste. Cringy mixed beans leave no treat.

World's smallest plate for the world's smallest breakfast, but the price is cheap as beans, if a bit bland.

Lots of early bird breakfast specials catch a few passing worms.

Open moderately early; the sweet bright decor offers a safe haven from the dark chilly winter.  Semi self service is a little awkward.

Madeira Cafe Camps Bay *

Cappuccino with foam (Caturra)

Cold foam tops a bitter spinster, at first quite mild with a dusty aftertaste. Later on she starts nagging and things get awkward.

Breakfast special with Cappuccino and undercooked eggs, is... not really special.

Balcony view of Camps Bay beach and the park. Plastic flowers on every table remind you of the realities of life, animal print wallpaper add a fruity kitsch, in good humour. The wood and open kitchen are a delight, unless someone is making a smoothie. 

Brew Artisan Coffee :(

Cappuccino with Crema (Deluxe Coffee Works)

Flatly burnt roast with no body, this lady is one crude dude. The aftertaste of this artless brew tastes of poo poo.

No signs, no menu, no prices, aloof service. No serviette for your cappuccino so you have to wipe with your hand. Who knows what's for sale or what's going on. A few 3rd party items on the counter with no prices. Tiny interior is ok, but this dry spot has limited life and no charm. Not a place for girls or artists. Quick exit to the main road.

Bombay Bicycle Club ****

Cappuccino with  crema

A rich, medium dark roast with a tasty crema to warm the cockles of your heart or vv. Sweet, pleasant aftertaste.

Not much Eastern cuisine despite the mysterious promise of the name, resorting to more European tangibles like pavlova, carpaccio, and Greek salad. Lamb shank and mashed potato is delicious, but out of place. A tiny patch of curried peanut butter the only homage to one of the world's greatest gastronomies. No need for running shoes to get to the facilities, it's strictly wheels.

Wonderfully decorated interior, cosy and quaint, but the outside has no signage and the bicycle was stolen, so it may be worth noting it's on the corner of Upper Kloof and Bellevue, and a little mental.

Montasio Sea Point :(

Americano (Lavazza)

Bitter, no, sour cup of burnt bean. A gang of milk and sugar intervened to beat the flavour to death, leaving only the acid aftertaste. This cheese is definitely no Swiss Miss. World's smallest cup handles make lifting tricky business from the wobbly mismatched saucer. Luckily the coffee machine broke after my cup, saving countless lives.

Breakfast is a cold undercooked egg on stale bread (not toast), with frozen butter and cold beans, and macon made from something that quite possibly had humps. Digging the butter tubs out of the runny egg was a messy affair.

Stark, crisp, red and white decor and leather couches with sparkly tiled floors add to the chill. Lots of pizza pasta along with perplexing persian dishes. Nice gentle music doesn't soothe the savage stomach.